I had to learn that people mean different things by it. Not youre wrong and you have to change. As was said before, while you are dating you should be attempting to find out as much info as possible. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. "I so instead of just talking to your partner you think you should look for sings and clues? You want to spend the weekend together, and he has to visit each of them. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. During football season we spend Saturdays and Sundays, all day, watching football with the same people. I guess then that depends on the LWs definition of a routine of spending significant amounts of time at their house nearly every weekend. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. . You arent happy and yet you stay. I can understand both sides. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. SpaceySteph He feels guilty for leaving them, feels comfortable with them, or runs away from some problems he has with you. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. January 20, 2012, 9:29 am. Yeah.. I agree that it is dysfunctional. I love girls night out. The evening must be spent together as well? But Ill tell you what. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Your problem is thinking you can change him. Friends of her own? The finance issue, however, would bother me more at this point. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. I like to relax at home. Different strokes for different folks. I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. They are content with the status quo. barf. I am actually not promoting anything. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. Something like frequent arguments, disagreements, misunderstandings? If they are as busy with their jobs as she says, I could see where they didnt see each other all week and he would spend his free time on the weekends with her. I Wish I Were Homeward Bound. Those are two crucial things that need to be in place if youre going to spend your life with this man. On the weekends he spends at Will you LWs simply never learn? Sometimes he comes with me (although he is absolutely not obligated to do so), sometimes he goes shopping for things that he knows I have no interest in, sometimes he just sleeps and veggies out on the couch, or goes to the gym.. I have been marriend two my husband for five years. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. muchachaenlaventana Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly four years now and have discussed marriage in the near future. All Im saying is be careful. If you only have two free days per week, its rather selfish to take up one of those days every week with a visit to his parents, eliminating a lot of other possibilities. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. Ann Cannon. You mention what you used to do when your were single. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. In fact toward the end, when I was tired of the distance and really pushing for us to have a normal weekend together, he started accusing me of trying to take him away from his family (nvm the fact that in the four years prior to our relationship when he was away at college, he would come home and visit his family once a semester but then he started dating me and coming home every other weekend). WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. OR look up state parks. WebTherefore, his wife IS attending family functions on the weekends. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. ReginaRey I can totally see this though, wanting to chill at the parents. TaraMonster June 18, 2014, 12:38 pm. We hope you apply our tips and have many lovely weekends with your husband in the future. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. ive assumed i knew what my husband wanted/was thinking before, and because like i tell him often i unfortunately cant read his mind, ive been off. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. So make him choose. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. Ok, fine, I do this. Tax Geek Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. 2. What matters is how his behavior and how his lifestyle make you feel. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. Laura Hope My guess is this is the first real issue thats cropped up since they started dating and shes been stricken with communication paralysis. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. Not to say that this stuff goes away altogether, just that it can decrease in frequency, sometimes dramatically. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. June 18, 2014, 10:18 am. Please see my post below.. allathian I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. Letting this fester is only gonna blow the issue way out of proportion. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. If he chooses visiting his parents because the alternative is sitting at home, plan some fun things for you two to do together that will be too good for him to pass up. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. This is something about him that will likely never change. I would say I prefer half my weekends to either be spent relaxing at home or sitting on a beach. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. I dont think that is healthy. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. Then you need a different boyfriend. All this to say: LW, your BF would annoy the shit out of me too. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. . I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Share that with your boyfriend as well. But, youre not single now. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. GatorGirl So much fun and its free! I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. You do like to see people you love, right? At first I thought it was sweet that he spent so much time with his folks (my mom died when I was 7 and my dads parental rights were terminated by the state, so I had no idea how families worked). We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? . definitely not enough information here. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. . January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. Much of the advice seems to center around just talking to the boyfriend about the problem and even asking why the LW wrote to Wendy after only 3 weeks of a problem, without talking to bf. The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. It is what they like to do. I see someone who wants to maximize the amount of time he spends with people he cares about, and I get not caring if its the LWs couch or his parents couch, hence the activity suggestions. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. Thats why he wants to help them all the time and probably helps them with various jobs every weekend. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! But the way you split the total cost of living should be established before you decide to move in together. lets_be_honest Its usually fine with me, but I think if you are the type to not be ok with this, youre better off finding someone more like you in this regard. I have friends who are engaged and live together. It definitely sounds like there are some boundary setting issues here, but IDK dysfunctional is a stretch. There is absolutely nothing wrong with her wanting him to spend more time with her. If its true that you miss your family and that hanging with his makes you homesick for your own, acknowledge that and own those feelings. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. I can see it both ways. You accept him as he is or you leave. i think the dysfunction wouldnt come from just the time spent, like the literal hours, i think the dysfunction would come from the things surrounding the time spent- the guilt, ect. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? Its not weird to them. Then you may just be spending too much time together. Bklyn Grl I really do not think that there is any set amount of time a couple should be dating or know each other before moving to the next stage of the relationship. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl I just dont understand this concept. I hate having family stay over at our house. January 20, 2012, 9:37 am. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Its not all men, its your man and the LWs. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. . So dont wait around for that. And its not as if the family bonded during their time together; they for the most part stayed in their own rooms reading and whatnot. when it comes up we just talk about it. Anyway, LW, I think that first of all, youre a little premature in worrying about this to the point of writing to DWjust talk to your bf about it. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. He will want to know why and you will answer that you have explained before that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. But I really dont think they were spending time in the city together before they moved in, I think she was spending time in the city while he was doing other things. bittergaymark Get out and DO something. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. Once upon a time when you were little, mom and dad did know more than youbut entering adulthood is when you yourself should be acquiring knowledge just as your parents did. Anonymousse Its super weird that hed rather bunk at mom and dads than yours. You know I was in a similar situation once, my ex and his parents like to see each other a lot more than I liked to see them. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Play frisbee in the park! But know that you arent over reacting what you are feeling is completely normal. Eh. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. Your January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest In my experience, if you manage to schedule some quality couple time whatever activity counts as that for you every weekend, youre likely to care much less about visiting the in-laws etc. Next time your boyfriend says we are going to my folks Saturday, sound good? Say this: Are we going spend every weekend at your parents from now on? He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. your husband wants to visit his family without you, doesnt want to spend Christmas with your family, You and your husband wanting to live in different places. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. Parents get old and die. Although the LW said that the mom finds a reason to drop by for hours at a time if theyre at her place. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. June 18, 2014, 10:54 am. Too much info missing. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). There is also a possibility that his parents create this feeling of guilt. I completely agree with Angelique in that this family dynamic is dysfunctional. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. Come on, BGM! Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. Self-reflection should always come first when we want to repair relationships with others, especially important people. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. maybe your boyfriend assumes that if you guys dont have plans, you can spend time at his familys. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. LolaBeans Ive been dealing with it a little bit lately, and this letter sounded kind of similar. I support this and even though it isnt practical for me to take the baby all the way to the other side of the city every time he goes (an hour and a half subway commute round-trip), I have no problem spending an evening by myself with Jackson so Drew can get in some time with his dad. lets_be_honest Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? Dear Demetria: Im a newlywed. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. WebGo to counseling with your husband. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? Just the fact that his mom is dropping by unannounced makes me uncomfortable, considering the current state of the world. This can also be a consequence ifhis parents are selfishand manipulate him into feeling bad because he doesnt see them enough. Tax Geek Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. That is, if a potential BF invites me to a restaurant, and it is way beyond my price line, I will tell him right then and there, that this would not be my choice, and give an example of one that suits me more. I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. I think that would be more telling than the sit at home or hang with parents scenario. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. A picnic in the park? every place has natural wonders. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. Thatll probably shut them up. And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Summer and fall is half the year. Cue unintelligble grumbling. YES! Its just a fact of life moving in together makes it much more difficult to break up. In a family dynamic where an adult person is tethered very closely to the authority figures in particular, this does have a psychological effect on the adult child or children. What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. . If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. A lot of family time. You dont have to spend as much time with the parents as your boyfriend does & he might reduce his own time there if youre not there with him. Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. Really? If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. I give up. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. January 20, 2012, 11:10 am. Yeah, but every weekend? And am going to go to the bathroom, stick my head up my ass, sign lulabyes and probably have quite a splendid day. or just dinner? I asked him all the time if 1. we could have weekends where we spent more time just with each other and 2. maybe even have one every once in awhile where he didnt see his parents, that was just us my argument being that I never got a weekend to relax at home and have him come to mei was always either driving to him or driving an hour out to his parents for the weekend and spending the night and all that. I never realized it actually made people feel like shit though. whose name does the electric go in, who sets up cable? January 20, 2012, 11:43 am. Just set a boundary that you wont spend more than so-and-so-many hours there and get ready to leave when you want to. I remember when I first moved in with my now husband I was so determined to split all expenses down the middle, even though at the time I was getting ripped off by my boss of the time (hed pay most of the people that worked for him whenever he felt like it, which was hardly ever). Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. 03/07/2022 08:00. ReginaRey Hosting a BBQ is a great idea. GatorGirl So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. Lindsay Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person Now that they are obviously not, it is definitely time for some conversation. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. We were together but doing our own thing. For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. ele4phant Are you far away from your own family? I think you are already there, and having a great relationship *except for this one huge thing I want to change about that person* isnt the same as simply have a great relationship. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. At the end of the day lots of things get labeled. Its a balance. if it works for you, thats all that matters. Ditto to the making plans paragraph. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. Declining to go really shouldnt require an explanation, but if he really needs one just say its a combination of the expense, that youve seen them more often than your own parents, and that you simply have other things you want to do this weekend. Had a lot of work to do at work today so Ill everyone... 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